


What SHOULD have happened in Dragon Age Inquisition…

by ClockWorkSymmetry



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Annoyed Gamer, Annoyed PC, At least it wasn't Alistair/Fenris, Dark-Side Fenris cuz why not, Gen, Hawke is Bad-Ass, Jokes, Randomness, The fangirls go bonkers then, Warden is Bad-Ass, What is with Bioware and ultimatums?, What-If, it didn't work, me trying to be funny, what should have happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 16:19:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6477307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockWorkSymmetry/pseuds/ClockWorkSymmetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's....a joke.</p>
<p>Yes, but, also a rant.</p>
<p>You'll see. ^^;</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Inquisitor!”

The Inquisitor turned, expression dire. Choosing between the Warden and Hawke would be very hard. One way, they’d have to deal with a pissed off Varric, and potentially deal with a furious romantic interest, or they’d kill off the only comedic relief who was a romantic interest and a fan favourite from the original series.

Choices, choices.

The Inquisitor stroked their chin, deliberating. (They could take their time, the game would wait, ignoring the possibility of everyone just escaping now, or any potential bad-assery from mages- be it in party or Hawke. Lightning storm, anyone?)

There stood Alistair (or Stroud or Loghain, but who cares about them), all high-definition and getting on in years, but still swag, and hurting more if you romanced him (because all women who like men did. Don’t lie, you know you did, at least once) , or Hawke…who could mean a lot to you if you liked him/her, or if you just put too much time into trying to make Hawke actually look like Hawke from DA2, now that all the hairstyles vanished. Or maybe you made Dick!Hawke because you wanted to have Warden!Alistair, and save him but not feel too guilty.

The Inquisitor sighed.

“I choose….”


	2. Hawke

“Hawke!”

 

“Yay! Suck it Birdie! Players love me more than you, who is actually the main PC of another game! Booyah!” Alistair flipped the bird at the Bird, before skipping over to Inquisitor, who was channelling the Warden at the moment, resisting the urge to melt to Alistair’s older, yet still childish charms.

 

Hawke sighed. 

Then proceeded to casually kill the spider, and sat down while everyone got out, and took a breather.

Mage Hawke simply got a hold of Merrill or Anders, dependent preferentially on whether Anders was dead, and whether they were romancing one of them, or who they liked more, and got themselves out in time for tea.

Warrior/Rogue Hawke kicked up enough fuss to find Carvers ghost, and the two argued enough that Malcolm and Leandra came over, and kicked Hawke out to get everyone to calm down.

 

Meanwhile…(and dependent on romancing)

 

Merrill went ballistic, bawled her eyes out, and proceeded to summon some very fancy demon, and sold her soul for the sole purpose of killing the sole leader of the soul-searching Inquisition, who almost sold us all for soul-gems. (Oops, wrong game)

Ehem.

Anyways, Merrill probably failed, because she got too emotional. But Hawke bailed her out because Cass fangirls over Hawke, and was like: OHMIMAKER YOU ESCAPED THE FADE!?!?

Hawke:..well, yeah?

-

Fenris dropped to his knees and screamed a tragic Darth-Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and decided to go to the Dark Side again and tried to assassinate the Inquisitor, but since he’s a warrior, not a rogue, he didn’t think it through too much, and got killed by the overwhelming number of guardsmen Cullen insisted on throwing at the Inquisitors door (plus like 1000 if you romance him), and everyone thought he was an agent of Briala, and were ready for another international incident until Varric goes: Oh hai, it’s Broody! …Broody is dead!??!?! I better add this to my books.

And Cass fan-girls because it’s totes romantic, guys. Totally.

-

Anders and Justice merged to become the Heroic Hunky Ha-ha of Hawke (or HHHH, pronounced: Hhhhhhhhh-*coughcoughsplutter*) and wanted to go attack the Inquisitor until the rational part of Anders (somewhere…in there….probably. Maybe it’s Justice? Ugh, come on) said to check the Fade first. They did. They found Hawke. There was probably some creepy sexy Fade-sex going on with tentacles and stuff, and Solas had anime nose-bleeds for days afterwards.

-

Isabela…well…she found out a couple months later when Varric mentioned off hand, asking her if she was managing. She read this on a note while she had tied up two young people, leaving them naked, attached to the mast of her ship. She only realized then that Hawke had been gone, then proceeded to shrug and toss the letter away, and proceeded to tie Hawke more firmly, then wiggle her eyebrows knowingly. 

Hawke didn’t seem too concerned about random letters at the moment.

-

Sebastian really didn’t have much to say about the matter, but had to give a speech to the weeping devotees of Starkhaven, or the secretly very pleased sisters of the Chantry, who were *very* *upset* that his wife was dead. Sebastian actually used his head, and assumed that the Inquisitor was making very tactical decisions about what was happening, because he knew that power meant responsibility, and no-one would use this power just for saving who you liked more. The thought of it! Gasp!

….well, Varric told him off, and Sebastian went to pray for a bit, unsure of what to be penitent for. Then felt better, and moved onto another wife, either a chaste marriage with another sister, or a woman he’d make his baby-momma for Starkhaven.


	3. Alistair

“Alistair!”

 

“Ha! You think your cute cheese-orientated antics can save you!? Not everyone loves you- some people kill you off or make you a wandering drunk! Dragon Age is just catering to the fan-girls, because you are a generic Dragon Age Boy! You and Anders and Cullen! So Sah-sah-sah!!!” Hawke jiggled their way over to the Inquisitor, and grinned before pausing, and everyone felt a disturbance.

“WHAT DID YOU DO YOU-“ (dependent on relationship)

 

“BITCH/BASTARD!!!” And Romanced Warden jumped out of nowhere! “WHAT IN ANDRASTE’S BLUE BALLS ARE YOU DOING TO MY MAN!?” “You tell them, dear!” “I GO THROUGH SIXTY HOURS OF DEALING WITH HIM, STROKING HIS EGO, DEALING WITH HIS BULL-SHIT-“ “Yeah! …wait…” “-AND YOU JUST OFF HIM BECAUSE HIS HAIR DOESN’T SUIT YOU?” “…I like my hair…” “WELL EXCUSE ME! I HAVE *THREE* SPECIALIZATIONS- YOU LEAVE HIM, I’LL TAKE ALL THE GREY WARDENS WITH ME, OFF WITH YOU!”

The Inquisitor awkwardly leaves with the team in tow, pausing to leave behind Blackwall. Warden shakes her head: “Nah, he’s not legit.” “WAHT?!” “H-How do you know?!” Blackwall tried to defend himself. The Warden shook her head. “I’m the Warden Commander, and my Grey-Warden sense isn’t tingling.” The Inquisitor reacts to Blackwall before a great caboodle happens, and the spider is distracted by the arguing, and everyone attempts to force the spider to take sides.

Meanwhile, the Warden casually picks up Alistair bridal style, regardless of the fact that he is in full armor, and might be twice her size if she’s a dwarf, or whether she’s a mage, and isn’t an arcane warrior (because remember, they were good in DAO), kisses him, then gallops out the Fade, leaving everyone else stuck inside, debating for eternity.

-

“-probably relatively okay person.” And generic friend of Alistair Warden jumped out of no-where! “Hey, look man. Alistair is pretty cool. Maybe you shouldn’t try to off him. Get Hawke. They don’t have a set personality. They could do something completely random and you won’t know what they’re doing because they’re controlled by a weird salivating thing staring at us through a screen! It farts and picks its nose while dictating when we hit stuff!” But then the Inquisitor stares blankly at the Warden, as Hawke does too. The Inquisitor blinks. “But…Warden…you and I are like that too.”

Having an existential crisis, Alistair and the rest tip-toe out, leaving the Warden, Hawke and the Inquisitor to their devices.

-

“-IDIOT!” And generic hater of Alistair Warden jumped out of no-where! “WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?!?! I KILLED YOU!!!” “Wait, what?” “…or did I feel bad this time and just exile you instead? Oh well, I’m just here for the bioware cameo, come along everyone, let’s just go.”

They leave Alistair there, who starts crying, and the spider feels too bad for him, and the two become best friends.


End file.
